My Truth
It’s simple. The truth is I’m living a lie. The other truth is I’ve been afraid to admit it first to myself and especially to others. The journey to get to this point has been incredible. I never thought I’d be at the point of almost losing my home, loss of income, ill health (weight gain and depression), and at 38, childless.
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As a labeled composed, perfectionist, I was at my breaking point, and no one really knew. I thought I was able to cover it through false smiles, make-up, and creative clothes. To my demise, my weight gain was looked at as good thing because I’ve always been “big boned,” but while the weight was piling, I was filing my pain under the fat. I shut down and shut in. My routine became work, home, eat and eat and sleep, and sweets (any kind) became my “boyfriend.” I figured if no one saw me, I didn’t have to answer any questions, and I didn’t have to hear about how “good I looked with the extra weight.” What no one knew was that the weight was more mental than physical, and I was completely losing any sense of myself, the true, small part that I have ever allowed to come out.
I don’t think that I still have ever fully “broken out.” I am a work in progress. I’ve lived other people’s truth so much that, for the longest, I was not sure what mine were because I’ve always hidden behind shy, shame, strength and opinions. Being vulnerable, to me, was for “suckers.” I am now just working through my true authenticity and learning that vulnerability can be both beautiful and extremely peaceful…trust, in more ways than one, is truly the key. I can now acknowledge that The TRUTH is a work in progress, but each day it is becoming clear.
The FACT is that I am a Professor at a college, but this is only part of me, the part that I have let define me. The “title,” Professor makes me proud. The honest TRUTH is I’m in love with my students. Their beauty and lessons have been an integral part of my survival. However, the TRUTH is that teaching only in this capacity no longer serves me and ever believing it did was a lie. It serves my ego, grandparents, parents, family, friends, and others who like my “title.” The TRUTH is I know I’m born and called to teach, but my call is not only in one classroom. What I know for sure, is that it is bigger than that. As I am on this journey, I want to broaden my classroom, and I know the only way I can help is to heal through truth, love, and acceptance.
I read a quote recently that said "sometimes you have to die to wake up." To be honest, I think almost losing my homes, loss of income, bankruptcy, depression, weight gain, admitting being a victim of molestation and rape, being single, at one time having to temporarily move back in with my mother, and a panic attack saved my life. 4 years ago, I would have told the “now me” me that I was crazy, but I know this “now” peace is from my “broken pieces” as Ms. Iyanla said. I feel blessed and more beautiful than ever, and the recovery has been amazing...not only is everything I lost back but more and better than it was before, but I had to start healing first.
I had to learn to admit my beautiful and ugly truths not only to myself but to dear friends and family. This sometimes required having to ask for forgiveness, and other times actually being fearful of allowing the new me, the real me, to break out of the shell. Would people be accepting of the real me? Would they shun me for the lie that I didn’t even know I was living? Would I be brave enough to share? Could “I” sign the divorce papers with the old me and be brave enough to marry the TRUTH?
As physical signs of neglect continued to appear, loss of sleep, and the “heartbeat” started reappearing, these were all signs of danger and clear signals that something was indeed wrong and completely out of character. Not only was I living a lie, but I became a walking zombie, simply going through the motions. I was dying, not physically, but mentally, I was leaving the former me. Over indulging myself in other people's prolems while overlooking my own, excessive eating, and and big, large, loose clothes seemed to be my false peace, but “the rushing heartbeat” wouldn’t let me die.
This familiar “heartbeat” feels like it is about to force its way out of my throat or stomach when I know I am supposed to do or say something at any moment’s given time. I would have this same “heartbeat” as a child when I knew the answer in class and was too shy to speak. Even as a child, I knew not moving or saying something only did me and others an injustice. In those moments that I chose not to follow the “heartbeat,” someone else would say what I was supposed to say but not with the same conviction, and I would often feel that I had let myself and some other force down by not heeding the call to just say something. This “heartbeat” or call remains and harrasses me, and I am sure it will be there the remainder of my life as my catalyst to “move.” I know when I don’t listen I simply repeat the lesson until I follow it. I know it’s time to “move.”
I have chosen to “move” and follow the “heartbeat” with Our Beauty Matters.(OBM). I am choosing to accept the call...Let me help you be BEAUTIFUL...OUR/YOUR BEAUTY MATTERS.
